How To Ask For What You Want
“Where two (or more) consenting adults show curiosity about fulfilling each other’s fantasies, new levels of trust and intimacy can be reached. It starts with clear and respectful communication.”
B says, “I want my boyfriend to be rougher with me. He is afraid to hurt me.”
Last night I watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith, a 2005 action/romance film with Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. It’s fun; watch it. About halfway through the film, husband and wife (who are also assassins) target each other. They have a shoot-em-up scene in their own glamorous mini-mansion, blowing holes in the walls with endless weaponry. Then they have hand-to-hand combat where they beat the shit out of each other (Jolie: “Who’s your daddy now?”), and end up having aggressive sex on the furniture and the debris-littered floor. The next morning, they are madly in love again.
It is definitely not reasonable or realistic to repeat that exact scene in your home. That is likely not what B or her boyfriend have in mind, although movies from many genres can be the gateway to fantasy and inspiration for roleplaying.
Rough sex, like most things, exists on a spectrum. The first step is to have really clear communication about what it is that you want. There are so many kinds of rough sex.
The terms need to be defined by the participants.
Rough may mean a little hair pulling or spanking. Scratching, biting, wrestling, and resisting can all be done with different levels of intensity. Maybe the words you use make it rough. At the other end of the spectrum could be extreme BDSM including full-body restraints or a carefully planned and negotiated kidnapping scene.
While some of these activities may be outside your comfort zone, tons of people participate in varying levels of rough sex. Many of us would agree to call it edgy; I vehemently insist that it is not weird. In fact, it is quite a turn on for some.
Furthermore, where two (or more) consenting adults show curiosity about fulfilling each other’s fantasies, new levels of trust and intimacy can be reached. It starts with clear and respectful communication.
How do we begin a conversation about anything that might include rejection?
I recommend having the conversation outside of the bedroom with all your clothes on. Maybe over coffee or on a drive in the car. Seriously. Some non-threatening place.
For instance, “I was reading this blog today called Coffee@Dawn. This Confidence Specialist said that rough sex exists on a spectrum from light hair pulling to… hardcore BDSM. What do you think about that?” There you go. The conversation has started.
Maybe you continue, “Wouldn’t it be sexy if you held onto my hair and led me into the bedroom?” Or “Could we wrestle a little in the bed before sex? I want to experiment with resisting.”
An important technique to learn from the BDSM community is to agree upon a safeword. This is a word like “Red” or “Pineapple” that you say if you need the activity to stop. You can also have a word that means you need to check in for a moment. Maybe “Yellow.” This is an important safeguard so either person can call timeout if something doesn’t feel right.
It’s also good to know what you don’t want. For instance, I might want someone to talk dirty to me. A little name calling in the context of a planned rough-sex scene could be fun. But do not under any circumstances call me stupid. Don’t imply it; don’t joke about it. That is not hot to me. At all. Ever.
Someone else might say, “I want you to slap my ass, but you cannot slap my face.” Asking for what you want and expressing what is a hard limit is brave and builds trust. Encourage the same from your partner(s).
Maybe challenge each other to write down two things you would like to try and two things that are out of the question. Then share those ideas with one another in a non-sexual setting. By the time you are finished having that conversation, you may be ready to experiment.
With all activities, but especially edgy ones, it is so important to be safe and clear. Consent is necessary. It’s a good idea to check in with each other often to make sure everyone is still into what is happening. It is possible that someone could change their mind. Make sure the circumstances remain secure and hot for all participants. Debrief afterwards as well.
Now get to it! Have the talk. Be brave and ask for what you want. Build trust. Experiment. Your sex life can be an adventure.
I Help Women Build Unapologetic Confidence
In Their Bodies, Bedrooms, and Beyond!
As an educator and a coach, I make an effort to be inclusive in my respect and support of underrepresented sexuality populations: lesbian, bisexual, trans, poly, non-binary, kinky, swinger, BDSM-affilitated women are all invited to have coffee at my table. There is room for all of us.
The information contained within this blog Coffee@Dawn is not a substitute for legal or professional advice such as from an attorney, medical doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist. Coffee@Dawn holds no responsibility or liability for the actions, choices, or decisions taken by the reader.