I know what I like and how I want to be seduced. I know that I want foreplay to start hours… days in advance.
I just quit my job. More accurately, I requested a leave of absence for a year (the approval letter came in the mail today), but I am not likely to return. I have had that job for 15 years. It offers predictable scheduling, some prestige, financial security, health care, and a pension. Furthermore, I’m really good at it. I feel certain about my skills, and people look to me for guidance and leadership. Overall, it’s a pretty good gig.
At that upstanding, respectable job where I am expected to follow the rules and behave, I push the boundaries a little. I insert my opinion and challenge authority. I question customary expectations and boldly make unconventional decisions. And now… I want to do something I cannot do at this workplace: I want to talk about sex.
Actually, I want to embolden women to know what they want and ask for it confidently, inside and outside of the bedroom. I want to amass an army of badass women to take up space and challenge the status quo — possibly to take over the world!
It starts with our bodies. Knowing them, touching them, embracing them. Asking others to touch them, too. Sharing what feels good with someone else. Permission to want more. Deciding we’re done. Being loud, being messy, being demanding. Having desires. Using our voices.
Comprehensive sex education is a good start. Let’s call things what they are and know how they work. Ask and answer questions. Overcome shame and purity culture. That shit is stifling! Education is liberating and empowering. Let’s talk about sex.
Next, let’s masturbate! Solo and with partners. Feel around and find out what’s good. Watch. Experiment. Learn. Add toys! Play. Make mistakes. Watch porn. Have fun. How can we ask for what we want if we haven’t taken the time to learn it ourselves?
If I am going to give you a map of my body, I have to be an informed cartographer to design it accurately. Name the countries, be precise about the cardinal directions, spend some time with the detail on the compass rose.
After making a map, then we must practice. Alone, with others, in all the rooms, on all the furniture, outside, in the car, on display, in a dungeon… Be safe and ethical. Consent is paramount. Talk about it! Make sure all participating players are enthusiastically into it. Have clear communication. Negotiate. Say yes. Say no. “Harder, faster, STOP. I’m cumming!”
I want to make it safe to talk about sexuality and desire. What turns us on? Taboo themes like kink and BDSM? Bondage and discipline. Dominance and submission. Sadomasochism. Purple bunny suits and butch lesbians and leather harnesses and silver butt plugs. Masks and floggers and swings and spit. Maybe you don’t like those things. That’s ok, too! But find out. Kind of like the one-bite rule at the dinner table.
I know. I know what I like and how I want to be seduced. I know that I want foreplay to start hours… days in advance. I like power exchange and adoration. I like it to start in my mind. A smart lover who knows how to make me feel sexy from far away.
I love my body and all its imperfections. I have quieted that critical voice that we all possess and have learned to embrace my strengths. I want my body in a dress with high heels and lipstick, my wild mane of curls cascading down my back. Chanel #5 warming on my pulse.
I like romance, charm, and sexy food. I want to make a dashing-couple appearance in a crowded place. Dance and flirt with others. Watch her turn heads. Know she is coming home with me.
In the Uber, I want long, wet kisses. Urgent. Teasing. Maybe some groping and clothing removed. Bursting out of the vehicle, laughing out loud, stumbling up the stairs.
I want to be touched with strong but gentle hands, heavy breathing, intense eye contact, and pressing her against the wall. I want her to want to please me. I want to feel it burning off her skin. I will reward her dedication.
Have we gotten to the sex yet? Where does it begin and end? Shall I keep going? These are the things I want to talk about, and I can’t (wouldn’t want to) do that at my “wholesome” job. So I quit.
And now I am a confidence and intimacy coach for women! I help them love themselves and their bodies, claim their sexuality and take up space everywhere in their lives. I am not afraid to talk to them about their secret desires. Expose their loves and their passions. Banish their shame. Encourage them to ask for what they want bravely because they are worth it. They deserve to be happy, satisfied, and fulfilled!
While it might sound like this is an advertisement for my coaching business (and I hope it is!), it is actually a call to women to be bold and confident. Whether that means touching yourself or asking for sex or saying no or quitting your job to follow your passion, let’s find out who we are and what we want. And then bravely get that thing.